When you’re a leader the ability to make conversation easily is incredibly important. Strong communication skills are essential to building relationships, communicating direction, conflict resolution, collaboration – almost everything.

The problem is that we aren’t all naturally gifted at making conversation, especially if we have been promoted due to technical competence or our brilliance in a previous role. Even if we know the theory of how to make conversation easily, it doesn’t mean we can do it overnight.

Timely training is often not provided by our employers. We can be left to fend for ourselves. Even when training is provided, sometimes it can be difficult to take actionable techniques away to really make a difference. A two-day group course about communication skills is just not enough to meet such deeply individual needs.

What do charismatic leaders do?

Have you ever wondered how people with natural charisma can get others to do what they want with seemingly no effort? How do they know what to say and do? How do they magnetize people through conversation?

I’m going to break it down for you

Everyone has their talents, some people are great at coding, finance, or sports – like golf… My talent lies in communicating. I have always found it easy to make conversation, to get along with people, and to build very strong relationships. Like a talented golfer though it’s not all about letting nature take over, practice, and development, is essential for success. I’ve been practicing for over 20 years and I’m still learning.

If you try these steps you can be a magnetic conversationalist too

This is not a list of fluff points that won’t really solve your problem, it is a list of real actionable steps. As such it might look like a lot to get through. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and this is going to take some time, but you can do it.

Let’s get started…

It’s probably no surprise that the first few steps begin way before you get anywhere near the other person. I like to think of this as long-tail preparation, or self-preparation.

Long-Tail Preparation

“Under-confidence is one of the main enemies of charisma”

You’re spending some time getting ready because going in unprepared may result in under-confidence which is one of the main enemies of charisma. Thankfully you can do this bit by bit, it’s not necessary to spend two hours preparing for a half hour conversation.

1. Relax – you need to slow down and quiet your mind of unnecessary thoughts to make space for this (or any) conversation. A couple of things to try and conquer are:

a. Fear of awkward silences – short silences are a natural part of conversation, they happen and it’s fine, worrying about long awkward silences is pointless as they probably won’t happen

b.Worrying that you won’t know how to reply – while planning is a good idea, and not surprisingly we will cover that shortly, it is not possible to plan every single thing you will say

2. Develop an open mindset – think positive, be open to ideas, it’s easy to be set in our ways and want something done a particular way, consider other suggestions. Practice open body language in your general day to day interactions.

3. Know their back story – over time get to know the person you are talking to. They usually won’t give you their life story, but they will let some extra tidbits of information out over time. When they do either try and remember them or make notes that you can brush up on before you talk again.

4. Interesting small talk – following on from the point above, if you’re not as quick off the mark with small talk as you would like to be, prepare some canned questions in advance. Try to find something more interesting than ‘have you got any vacation planned?’ Tailor your questions to something you know about the person and their interests.

In line with asking questions, keep in mind that you will also have to answer some small talk questions. If you can’t think fast on the spot then have some answers ready. You should also have some polished ‘elevator’ answers about what you want them to remember or catch on to. By elevator I mean short and to the point.

5. Know the subject – by this I mean know what the person is like, what is their personality? Are they quiet? Talkative? Introverted? Technical? Creative? If you don’t really know how to read this then you could always go through an exercise with your team members where you get them to describe themselves.

Short-Tail Preparation

This is prep for the actual meeting itself. Either right before, or in the case of the first step, a day or two before. In the beginning allot 10 mins. When you practice this regularly it will take less and less time. It’s a good habit to get into when you can do it.

1. Meeting agenda – one or two days before ask your team member to send you an agenda of points they wish to discuss, then, add yours and return it to them. This may not work for all types of meetings but it is a robust and effective practice for one to one meetings.

It’s a brilliant way to demonstrate transparency. If your team members are fully informed about what they are there to discuss they will be much happier as they come into the meeting because they know that you’re not going to surprise them with anything unexpected. For a recurring meeting have them initiate the agenda by sending theirs to you first each time.

2. Recap – take a glance at your notes for a quick refresh on who you’re meeting. You’re looking to remind yourself of some of the facts you know about them to help inspire better quality small talk. In addition to that, what were the actions you agreed they would do last time? What updates can you give to them? Spend 5 mins maximum doing this.

3. Turn off notifications on your wearables – as a smart-watch wearer I know how automatic it is to glance at your wrist if you get a buzz. Before I started wearing mine I noticed how other people did that and I vowed never to behave that way. From the beginning I conditioned myself to ignore the haptics when I was interacting with someone else, but if you can’t do so then turn them off or remove your wearable before the meeting. The person in front of you in the moment is more important than the person who is trying to contact you from afar.

4. Relax (again) – if you are feeling any nerves or adrenaline, take a few deep breaths to calm yourself so you can listen properly. If you’re calm they will be calm and that is good for both of you.

During the Conversation

“It’s getting easier to stand out as a charismatic leader in today’s distracted world”

The main thing you’re looking to practice during the conversation itself is self-awareness. The first four points below are all related to that. Read more details about how to be self-aware in my recent post: ‘Build a Team Spirit to be Proud of in 2019’.

1. Be friendly and give your undivided attention – when you first meet, open the conversation with friendliness, this is where your small talk comes in, show a genuine interest in them. My series of printable mini-books ‘Mastering Difficult Conversations’ contain more guidance around this topic. There is more detail about how to get your hands on these at the end of this article.

In today’s distracted world it is actually getting easier to stand out as a charismatic leader. Sadly people are used to playing second fiddle to distractions from devices, in the past this behaviour was unacceptable but now it is commonplace. Give the person you are talking to your undivided attention for the duration of the meeting.

2. Use open body language – during your long-tail preparation you will hopefully have practiced open body language and developed an open mindset. During the conversation this translates to these key behaviours:

a. Open body language – avoid folded arms

b. The right amount of eye contact – neither an unblinking stare nor staring at the table

c. Happy facial expressions – except not a cheesy grin

d. Talking at the right volume – shouting is annoying, but talking overly quietly so people can’t really hear what you are saying is just as bad

3. Actively listen – the aim here is to hear what they actually say and understand what they mean. Take a micro-pause to process what they are saying – do you need to dig deeper? If so you can ask them to expand or go into more detail. Apply your own knowledge to whatever they’re talking about and show an interest.

4. Balance the conversation – if you are naturally dominant you may need to scale it back. If you’re very quiet push yourself to speak more. Conversation is a two-way (at least) thing and should not feel like a one-sided monologue. People feel valued when they feel listened to, so in balance they should be speaking slightly more than you. If you are presenting to them you may be speaking more, in these situations be sure to pause adequately to allow them to interject.

5. End on a positive note – go through actions and takeaways and check the dates so you are both clear on what is required, and by when. Your small talk will come in handy again during the wrapping up process and closing the meeting.

6. Conduct an after action review – spending a few minutes, just on your own and taking an objective look at the event will help you to learn and improve. What went well? What didn’t go well? What could you do differently next time?

Doing it for real

I know what you’re thinking, it’s easy for me to write these actions down but so much harder to actually do them in real life. How are you supposed to remember all of this?

I have developed a three stage framework to deal with exactly this, here it is: